Life and trying to conceive

Well for those of you who follow me on youtube welcome. Those of me who don't know me or my story I will give you some basic background and if you want to know more you can check me out on youtube at www.youtube.com/jennad82. I have been ttc'ing for 3 years. Through our journey we have been through ups and downs. From happiness to depression. but we will never give up. I have a 9 year old son from a previous relationship and been with my now husband for 5 years now and married for almost 2. About a year and a half after meeting we decided it was time to stat trying for a baby together.Our journey began August of 2009. 8 months later March 21st, 2010 we discovered we were expecting our first child together! We were so excited but also scared. I found out at 4 weeks pregnant and everything seemed to be going great. Around 7 weeks and 1 day I had been having some pain on my left side so I went to my Dr. He performed an ultrasound and everything looked fantastic! The heartbeat was 143 and baby looked great. I went home feeling like I was on a high. I continued to experience the pain on my left side but the dr.said it was from my corpus luteum cyst and the pain would diminish in a few weeks. Around 8 weeks and 4 day pregnant I still was having the pain and decided to go for a nap. When I awoke I felt something was not right. I went to the bathroom and saw the one thing no expectant mother ever wants to see. Bright red blood and it was not just a small amount. It was (sorry tmi) like a period. I called my Dr immediately and went in for an ultrasound. As I lay there crying I knew something was wrong when the tech took forever to find the baby. Her face said it all. I screamed "is there a heart beat?" I was begging them to just acknowledge the presence of a heartbeat. The tech said they would have to wait for my Dr to call so they could speak with me. All I wanted was to know there was a heartbeat and my baby was still alive. For 30 agonizing minutes I lay on the table just weeping uncontrollably. I was still keeping hope but when i went into the bathroom again I began passing clots. I knew I was having a miscarriage. The Dr came in and said "I am sorry but your baby has passed away and you will begin miscarrying. The baby had stopped growing shortly after my first ultrasound. I left mad and upset. The only thing left was to go home and let nature take its course. I went through 12 hours of painful contractions coming ever few minutes until finally it was over. I would never wish this on anyone. Just knowing that you are losing you baby that you wanted so badly and there was nothing anyone could do to help you was the worst part of all. A week later I had a D&C preformed to remove some of the tissue left from my miscarriage and was given the green light to try again once I got my first period. We started trying asap and were shocked to find out we were expecting in July! I was nervous and scared. But my pregnancy progressed and we even found out around 18 weeks that we were expecting a baby girl whom we named Madison Jo. We were so in love and I was finally able to let myself get excited about this little girl we were about to meet. Little did we know we would meet her sooner rather than later. Around 21 weeks I went in for an ultrasound because I had not felt movement all day. The Dr could not find a heartbeat! I was stunned and could not believe what I was hearing again! They did some tests and said to come back tomorrow so they could repeat the ultrasound. I began having contractions later that evening and a few short hours later little Madison Jo was born sleeping. The cause of her death was inter uterine infection that spread to the placenta. The hardest thing I have ever done was let go of my angel. I dont like to speak about this subject so I have decided to leave all pictures and labor and delivery story private for my own reasons. I continue to grieve the loss of both my angel babies and it never gets easy. I think of them daily and talk to them at night. Now 2 years later we are still back at square 1 no baby in our arms and no bfp's. I since my losses have been diagnosed with PCOS and secondary infertility. It hurt just to hear the Dr say the word Infertile. In my mind it meant we were never going to get our baby we so longed for. I will never give up my dream though. I hold hope that one day I will have a baby in my arms. Through the struggle my family has been there for me. My sister and mother offered to carry a baby for us if we decide we have no more options. Such a selfless gift and I appreciate it so much! I know through strength and my angels watching over me my dreams will come true:)